Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think my mom watched the whole time
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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