New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
