The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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