Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
