Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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