there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
