i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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