Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
