so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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