there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
