I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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