32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Do vagina's smell?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
