btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
