did you get engaged???
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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