I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
