i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
