Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
