I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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