I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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