i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
