I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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