My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
