well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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