I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
