She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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