who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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