just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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