I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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