i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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