pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
