I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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