Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
