Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
