this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
