You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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