is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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