i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
