Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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