2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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