I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
