I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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