guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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