just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
