I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
