i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
