I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
