You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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