either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
