Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?