maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
