She said her name was "party"
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
