I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
