we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies