Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"