my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dating After Heartbreak
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..