he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
