I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
