Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
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He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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