Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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