just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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