I wish my penis had an off switch
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Randomize
